Not Just a Passive Listening Process
If you’ve been in therapy before you may have had someone just keep saying, “How did that make you feel?” and “tell me more about that,” and they just sat there. That’s not going to happen here. I don’t think a passive approach like that will lead to much progress. A collaborative approach means you need to step up to make your therapy work.
How you feel is very important to me but I will have way more to say. As a result, I will be asking plenty of questions. There will be suggestions on coping strategies you might try. You will always get to decide if you try any of them, but I will have ideas based upon things I have tested out for myself and the thousands of women I have worked with over the years.
I see my work as a combination of compassionate witness, a guide, a detective and a scientist. Therapy involves digging for the facts and running experiments. I can help you figure things out and figure out what works for you. Making sustainable changes is possible.
In order to break out of self-defeating patterns that stem from old wounds we will need to do some hard work. Because of this dynamic, our work comes down to finding that deep down you are a wise woman. You are going to find your own resilience and I will help with that as part of your therapy process. My belief is you are likely stronger and wiser than you realize. I also think you are capable of making change if you are willing to try things that are hard.
I will assist you in setting realistic personal goals and then I will be around to help you be accountable to yourself to achieve them. For instance, to enhance our work I will give you ideas for things you may want to read. https://wisewomantherapy.com/recommended-reading/
Deb’s story
Always Felt Different
The way I presented myself to the world was always different, the tomboy phase that never ended. It gets called “gender non-conforming” now. The town where I grew up was only 30 miles outside of Chicago, but was a world away. I knew I was attracted to girls and not boys. It wasn’t until I was 17 that I finally met a known lesbian. My Catholic upbringing suggested that I may be destined for hell. Ironically, this fear of hell was likely the only reason I didn’t die by suicide back then.
Every morning before school I had anxiety. I felt sick to my stomach. Despite that, I loved school. I really loved the nuns! They got to live in a house together and live such a different way.
Despite the internal struggles, I found myself lucky to have found some safe and wonderful female-specific spaces. I was happily involved in Girl Scouts into adulthood. The time I spent with nuns as I explored a vocation as a religious sister shaped me also. I got to know them. By spending time doing service projects I learned that I liked helping people.
Even so, I struggled a lot with feeling deeply depressed and self-loathing. Fortunately, I always had a deep knowing that there was more to life than just what’s visible right in front of us. Living an authentic life and manifesting things I was meant to achieve came into focus.
Even after I knew that joining the convent wasn’t an honest option I knew that I was here to be of service somehow. Being a woman of a different sort than the majority is a gift.
“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.”
Rabindrath Tagore
Coming Out as Lesbian
Everything changed in 1986. I learned there was a beautiful, thriving community of women-loving-women in the city. I wasn’t the only one! In Chicago there were lesbian-owned stores and a feminist bookstore. There was a coffee house performance space, a choir, and of course, softball. There was music and a culture I could finally relate to.
This time in life was not all rainbows and unicorns however. Homophobia had ended some close friendships and had me no longer in touch with my blood-related family.
My first girlfriend was emotionally and physically abusive. She was in her own struggle. She was fighting a battle with alcohol, drugs, anxiety, depression and surviving a history of abuse. As a serious codependent, I tried to fix things. Being loyal came naturally. I hoped that, “When we get a bigger apartment, when she gets a better job, when she’s on the right meds, then everything will be okay.” We were very isolated and I was feeling very stuck. I learned that whatever I did or did not do, I could not change it.
Most of my family members had died while I was separated from my family.
Surviving a number of friends who had died due to addiction, cancer, AIDS and suicide took a toll on me.
Recovery from Everything and Finally Going to Therapy
Life would only improve if I actually did something. I had to address the impact that addiction, trauma and homophobia had on my life and relationships.
Handling things alone came very naturally. Writing in my journal and reading lots of self-help books just wasn’t working. I had a small circle of friends who have become my chosen family. I could share a lot with them but they were protective of me. Sharing all I needed to share wasn’t possible with them.
I couldn’t DIY my way out of it. Finally, I went to therapy. I reluctantly sat in circles of people sharing their feelings. It freaked me out a lot. I didn’t really like it at first-at all. Fortunately, I finally learned how to ask for and accept help from safe people.
I made a commitment to ongoing self-care. I had to figure out how to connect spiritually in new ways. This journey is ongoing.
I learned that there is hope when I get honest with myself and others. It turns out a lot of us feel different. Being willing to take the risk to find people who really understand me made all the difference.
It has been and continues to be an absolute joy to be able to provide an emotionally safe place for women to do the work required to heal and create new lives. And my journey has taken me from Chicago to Seattle and back to Chicago. Now I live most of the year in Chicago and spend time on the road riding my Harley whenever I can.
More information: https://wisewomantherapy.com/professional-details/
My Professional Life
I received an MSW from University of Illinois in 1992. Primary focus was women and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. The credentials I have collected include: LCSW in Illinois. This stands for Licensed Clinical Social Worker. LICSW in Washington State. This stands for Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker. Additionally, an addictions counselor with Washington State- SUDP. That stands for Substance Use Disorder Professional.
I started out in Chicago. Because I knew I wanted to work with women, I chose my internships accordingly. First year field placement was Uptown Center Hull House. I worked in the Woman Abuse Action Project. We provided counseling and referrals for women surviving domestic violence. Second year was Edgewater-Uptown Community Mental Health Center in the Rape Victim Services Program. It was there I learned the magic of women in group therapy.
I have been a licensed clinical social worker and certified addiction counselor since 1996.
Before Private Practice
I have worked in many non-profits in Chicago and then Seattle. The early days were front line work. I helped in shelters and soup kitchens. I volunteered at Genesis House (a program that was near Wrigley Field) We helped women who were escaping prostitution. Similarly, volunteering in high school was valuable experience.
I served as a Catholic Worker for a time. I lived and worked at Clare House of Hospitality. It is a Catholic Worker shelter in Bloomington, IL. Catholic Workers live in voluntary poverty. It was a communitarian setting. People in the community donated whatever we needed. As a result of this experience I knew I could work full time as a social worker.
I noticed recurring themes. Addiction and experiences of trauma were consistent. Women surviving domestic violence and sexual assault abused substances. Women who were homeless were vulnerable to addiction and exploitation. Above all, they needed safety and support to build new lives.
Paid My Dues in Non-Profits
The first paying job was Evanston Shelter for Battered Women. https://www.ywca-ens.org/domestic-violence-program/shelter-and-longer-term-housing/ Women in poverty shared rooms with affluent women from the North Shore. Externally they had nothing in common. In spite of the differences, the women bonded. They all needed safety. Similarly, they knew what betrayal does to a person. As a result, they hated how they had compromised themselves to survive. Most importantly, they all loved their children and wanted a better life.
Funding cuts were made to ESBW programs. After that, I began working at The Women’s Treatment Center. This program was focused on addiction recovery. It has also ceased to exist. This was a missing piece in the puzzle. In order for women to heal, addiction and trauma need to be addressed.
In 1999, I moved to Seattle. I took a job at Stonewall Recovery Services. Stonewall was an outpatient substance use disorder program. We worked with the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities. Sadly, after 31 years, Stonewall Recovery Services closed.
For 16 years I worked at Residence XII. It was a recovery program in Kirkland, WA for women with alcohol and drug problems. Similarly, it closed in 2019, after over 40 years.
Questions? debdettman@wisewomantherapy.com
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Individual therapy: $70-200/session. I provide Super Bills for clients seeking reimbursement from their insurance companies. PPO plans often reimburse 60-80%. Limited availability for reduced fee for those with financial need.